


When Love Speaks in Whispers

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cross-Generation Relationship, Disability, M/M, Oblivious, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15735378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: Can you be in love and not know it?





	When Love Speaks in Whispers

**Author's Note:**

> Just a canon note: There's no Teddy here, simply because he'd complicate things and I needed to concentrate on the delicate stuff.

Remus shushed his lover gently as he almost woke up. Then he settled his dear one back to sleep with a whispered spell. The other man had worked all day at the greenhouses then had come to Remus' rooms to soothe them both on the night before the full moon. So, to keep him resting, as he well deserved, Remus got out out bed and slid into his wheelchair. He couldn't sleep this night. He didn't know why, until he found the letter setting on the desk across the room, not mailed. He had watched his lover work on it diligently before they had gone to bed, even through his fatigue. Remus had thought he mailed it. He had seen the owl come to the window.

But his lover was so private, sometimes detrimentally so. And this letter had seemed to make the other man laugh, frown and sigh in equal measure. He needed to know why. So he lit his wand with a dim glow and read:

====

Dear Hermione,

I apologize for the length of these pages, but when you asked me why I was sitting at Remus' feet while we watched the Weasleys trump each other at Quidditch three days ago, well, I realized I had to tell someone. So I'm telling you. I'm sorry if any of this offends or bothers you, but in this I need to reveal all, even though this might seem more prurient than you are used to from me. Because I can't trap all of this inside me any longer.

Love never seemed all that important in my life. Although I wanted love, I didn't seem destined for it. At least in that all-encompassing way that you, Ron, Ginny and Harry seem to have it. I've always had to infer love. It was never directed at me. My parents loved me, but they couldn't tell me. Wrappers and anxious faces had to be enough. I knew my Gran and my uncles loved me, but they never said so. I assumed that was because they had to love me. It was the right thing to do.

I never wanted to force anyone to love me. So I looked for convenience instead of love in my relationships. I dated Luna Lovegood because she wanted to be with someone until she found her soulmate. I married Hannah Abbott because it was comfortable. Then she divorced me because I was too comfortable. In fact, I was boring. So she went off to marry a Quidditch player.

It was at that point I realized that I was also bored, especially with being an Auror. It was what Hannah had wanted me to do. I wanted to so something much more basic, much more grounding. Much more in the ground.

So I talked to Ponoma Sprout, who I had become friends with after I graduated. She suggested that I teach at Hogwarts with her. She wanted to retire, but since I needed to gather a few more skills before I tackled teaching others, we could work jointly for a year or two before I took over her post.

Minerva McGonagall approved of this solution. And, because Remus Lupin had returned to teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, she asked that I also work with Madame Pomfrey to help care for him. He needed someone who lived in the castle and was physically strong enough to help him with some daily basics.

For, as you know, he had nearly died during the Battle of Hogwarts. In fact, most of us had thought he was dead when he was brought in. But he somehow woke up, even though we were all sure a Killing Curse had hit him. In fact, it probably had. For he never completely recovered from his battle with Doholov. 

Although his magic was as powerful as ever, and his mind was sharp, he couldn't walk. The curse had glanced off his neck, but the part that hit him ran down his spine. His legs quit working at that point. So now he required a chair he controlled with magic. Have you seen him run it through the halls at Hogwarts? I imagine it was similar to how Sirius Black looked speeding on that motorbike of his.

Although he didn't need much help during the day, when the castle seemed to quiet down so he could levitate his chair past a set of stairs to get to a faculty meeting or cleared the hallway in front of his classroom, during the nights and early mornings it was a different story. Magic became more unpredictable when he was tired, so he didn't trust his wand when it came to getting to bed and waking in the morning.

So I went to him to make sure that the house elves left his clothes where he could reach them without falling out of his chair. To make sure he made it to bed safely. To help him get ready for his day, to help him organize (and keep organized) in a way that worked for him, not the house elves. This became extremely important the day before and day after the full moon. Because he could barely move on those days. More often than not, I had someone cover his classes at least one of those days, so he could get some extra sleep.

We ended up talking a lot during the hour I'd spend with him before bed. I'd even arrive early just so we had more time to talk about our joys, our work, and sometimes even the memories of the bad times. It was good to share them, it made sleeping at night a little easier.

Then there were the nights of the full moon. They made me want to quote the late Headmaster Snape, usually about stubborn fools. The wolf, like the man, couldn't use his back limbs. So he now transformed in his quarters instead of the Shrieking Shack. But although he took Wolfsbane regularly, he would not let anyone in his rooms to check on him until the morning when he transformed back. This bothered both Madame Pomfrey and me, as he was much more vulnerable to accidents of all sorts in his wolf form. So we let him sleep during the mornings after the full moon (after I eased him into bed), but I was back in his rooms after my last class to make sure he was recovering.

After six months of hurrying into his rooms to check on him on the night after the full moon, I put a cot against a wall in his bedroom, so I could sleep in it the night before and night after the moon. For he seemed to be more likely to catch colds at that point. Ones that threw off his magic, or caused him to cough so much that he'd nearly fall out of his chair.

I didn't worry about love at that point, but I did worry about Remus. So I spent more time on that cot as time passed. Not because he always needed it, though I did help him. I was there so I didn't have to worry that the house elves were aiding him in all the wrong ways or that something would go wrong when I wasn't there. And even though I was probably worrying for nothing, he did seem to appreciate the company.

But there was the occasional reason to be there. Because one time, the night after the full moon, I slept in my own rooms to watch over a nocturnal plant. When I went back to his rooms in the morning, he was sleeping on the floor because he had slipped but hadn't had the energy to get back into bed.

That was when I insisted I stay with him during the nights around the moon, no matter what. Another six months later, Madame Pomfrey finally insisted I stay with him during the moon as well. Because he had gotten a cold right before the moon and she was worried about the wolf wheezing too much.

Remus protested this when I told him. "The wolf is still dangerous. His jaws weren't affected by the curse."

"You take the potion as you're supposed to. I'll be fine." I argued back reasonably. And when he suggested that I'd be bored, I sent back, "It's not like I don't watch you sleep on other days."

In fact, I had begun to be obsessed with watching him sleep for some reason. I was glad that his eyes were closed, because oftentimes as I watched him, I'd find myself reaching into my pyjama pants as I studied his handsome face in the dim light.

More often than not, I'd have to turn towards the wall and bury my face in my pillow so that he wouldn't wake up while I got rid of my hard-on. 

It always happened to me the day before or day after the full moon, or both for the last five months.  And if I tried to resist the urge, if I tried to will it away, I ended up having strange erotic dreams about Remus. Ones that often had me shouting as they woke me up during their climax. 

I didn't want to make things between us uncomfortable by having those dreams when I was in his bedroom, so I took care of my urges quickly.

Of course, that meant I had fantasies about the man in the other bed instead of dreams. But my reactions were quieter to those.

So that night I stayed in his front room as he transformed on the rug in front of the fire. He wheezed a bit once he was in wolf form, but when I sat on the rug next to him and ran a hand through his fur, his breathing seemed to calm a little. So I stayed there and kept at it. Then I eased him into bed when the sun rose as gently as I could.

The next night, Harry came to visit me, with Ginny beside him.

He came to my quarters nervously, clutching his wife's hand. Once I closed the door, he said in a rush, "I want to fuck you."

"What?!" I asked, puzzled. I never knew he was attracted to men at all. And even if it was just something I missed, why would he say that in front of his wife? Plus, I was no longer the fit leader of an army. My pudginess had returned, slowly, over the years. So why would he desire me?

Harry repeated his sentence, but I still felt mystified by it. "He needs a little more than I can give sometimes," Ginny said softly, seeing my puzzlement. "And we trust you. A few people believed it also might help you if we came by. You haven't dated anyone since your divorce."

"I haven't wanted to." I shrugged.

"But sometimes you're restless, aren't you?" Ginny asked. "Maybe Harry can help you with that."

I couldn't deny her words. I needed help dealing with my reactions to Remus. I didn't want to offend him by reacting in the wrong way at the wrong time. Because he was more than somebody I took care of. He was my friend. And though I'd love to see his face flushed with pleasure that I gave him, I'd rather not lose the companion that I had in him. So I told myself that he was off-limits.

So I climbed into bed with Harry. Although I loved being on the receiving end of sex, that night I felt like I was lying in bed and thinking of England. Or that this was right because Remus needed me to do it. Stress released when Harry pushed into me. And I think Harry enjoyed himself. But I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feel of Ginny running a hand through my hair as she sat on the chair next to the bed. That felt nice. And soothing.

At the very least, the night took care of my problem. I wasn't really interested in sex for the next few days. Although Remus was still extremely attractive, I could resist my feelings.

But that only lasted a week. The closer we got to the full moon, the more I dreamed about the man in the bed across the room.

So I was glad when Harry came the day before the full moon, clutching Ginny's hand. Somehow, sex with him eased the ache within me even though the most pleasure I got out of it was feeling Ginny stroke my hair.

This calmed me and kept me from embarrassment as I took care of the wolf the next night, and the exhausted professor the day after that. However, our discussions were oddly emotionally charged, about our marriages and friendships gone awry. But I attributed that to it being the day after the full moon. Exhaustion can bring out anybody's emotional side.

Some of that emotionality must have transferred to me, because all I wanted to do was hold him close and ease some of his troubles. But I didn't want him thinking I pitied him, or even worse, that I thought him incapable of coping. Oddly enough, the wheelchair seemed to indicate to some others that his intelligence and his emotional strength must have suffered as his legs did.

From what I could tell, all the wheelchair did was focus his magic on a few things that he hadn't worried about before. So I learned a few new spells as we went along, to make sure I could control his chair if I needed to. He would trust nobody else with that, not even Poppy. Which at first annoyed her, but she seemed to have stopped worrying about it lately for some reason.

But apparently, Harry worried about him instead. I caught him arguing with Remus outside the professor's door a few days after the full moon.

"I'm telling you, you have it wrong. He doesn't know!" Harry whispered urgently. "Look, just join us next time. If he doesn't want you there, he can say so."

Remus sighed. "But you said that next month you won't be here until after the moon. I won't be able to do anything about it if you're right. I can't the day after the moon."

"Don't worry. I know how to make it so you're both happy." Harry smiled. "And hopefully you'll see what I'm talking about."

"I'll trust you for now. Just don't hurt him."

"I won't, I promise."

I puzzled over their words a little, then forgot about them as classes, then being with Remus took priority. It wasn't even about caring for him anymore. It was simply my chance to be with him. The tasks I did were just part of the whole instead of the reason I was there.

Remus seemed to go along with the shift, as he started asking me to come earlier so we could spend time in his sitting room talking. And we talked about everything. In fact, Remus started getting more personal, telling me all about his relationship with Sirius Black and his marriage with Tonks. He spoke of his love for them softly, then told me of his sadness that I had not found the same. Because although his love caused him pain, it also had given him great joy. Joy that he tried to share now with his students and his friends.

"I'd like to count you as a friend, Neville," he had said after that. "You need more love than you were given."

I smiled. "You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. But I already count you as friend."

"Then I will do so in return. And if a little joy comes your way because of that, accept it. It'll make me happy."

Bemusedly, I agreed.

Then we went back to discussing the progress of the first year students.

But something was different after that. He smiled more around me, touched my hand, my arm, as if he needed to reach out and connect with me.

And then came the full moon.

As soon as I sat on the floor with him after his transformation, I had a massive jaw lying across my lap. It almost felt as if he was saying 'This is my spot. This is for me.'

I did wonder at the possessiveness of the gesture. But I had no objections. So I simply ran my hands through his fur, as I had the last two months. And he snuggled close to me, as if he were a day old puppy instead of a greying, frighteningly large wolf.

We both dozed like that until I woke to find him changing back. Then I eased him into bed before going to teach my classes.

That night, however, I found myself not quite as relaxed as I had been during the full moon. 

Harry came to my rooms again and asked to fuck me. That was no surprise. But as I lay on my side to let Harry push into me, instead of Ginny's gentle eyes, I faced intense amber.

At first I was embarrassed to have Remus see me like that. Especially since he was my reason for doing it. But as I stuttered out an apology, he laid a finger to my lips and just whispered, "I want to give you this. This is my gift to you."

And suddenly, I was no longer just releasing tension. I was drowning in his eyes, and in the warmth of his hands stroking my arms, chest and belly. Harry was forgotten as Remus' hand moved below my belly.

"That's it," he whispered as I bucked into his hand. "Let us make you feel good."

He made me feel very good, indeed. So good that I embarrassed myself with the noises I made. He even traced the edge of my stomach as I wanted to trace his scars. As if it was just as attractive as he found the rest of me.

And after I cried out, for the first time in Harry's presence, he whispered to Remus, "See? He needs you, in every way."

In my dazed state, I couldn't tell what that meant. But a moment later, the bed shifted as Remus eased in beside me and Harry moved to the big chair against the wall to be with his wife.

I fell asleep in Remus' arms. I had never slept so well in my life.

Harry was on the chair next to my bed when I awoke.

When he saw me open my eyes, he smiled and handed me a cup of tea. As I drank it, he told me, "You're Remus' mate now. He thought you knew when I came to help you with the restlessness around the moon. He said he's always needed a proxy for his mates, so he chose me for you as soon as he realized Moony liked you."

"I didn't know," I said, very confused. "What's a proxy?"

"Mating doesn't always come with physical attraction, so a proxy can be chosen to help with the randiness the curse produces around the full moon."

"Oh." So that's why Harry was here. Remus liked me, but wasn't attracted to me. He had called Harry in order to be a good friend to me.

I appreciated his consideration. So I thanked Harry for being a friend to both of us.

Then I went into the bathroom so Harry couldn't see the frustration I was feeling on my face. I didn't want Harry in the middle of my relationship with Remus. If Remus didn't want me, I'd go back to using my hands, in my own room if it made Remus more comfortable.

So after a quick shower, I walked back into my bedroom and asked Harry if it'd be ok if I handled the moon on my own next month.

"Of course. If you run into any problems, just floo me."

I closed the door behind him and wondered why he had been the one to tell me that I was now Remus' mate. Perhaps I was a mate of convenience, in the same way I had been convenient for Luna and Hannah.

The thought made me sigh. It would be nice to be wanted for me for once, even if I wasn't loved.

That night when I went to help Remus with getting ready for bed, I told him that I didn't want or need a proxy.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Remus told me with a worried look on his face.

"I prefer to handle it myself. Though afterwards, I wouldn't mind sleeping in your bed, if you don't mind. Having you with me was wonderful."

"Of course. That was soothing for me too." Remus smiled.  

You saw us just a week and a half after that. By then we were a bit more familiar with each other, because he had told me about the proxy set ups he had had with Sirius and Nymphadora. 

With Sirius, it had been Harry's father (don't tell Harry!) because Sirius had needed a little more than Remus could give. But his mate had insisted that Remus choose the proxy, and if he felt comfortable, to watch. He had, and enjoyed the view very much. So the nights around the full moon became special for all three of them.

Nymphadora was attracted to Remus' mind, not his body, apparently. And Remus had felt the same. The attraction was strong enough that they ended up talking constantly, and cuddling as they fell asleep connecting with each other. This was love, just not a typical one. Their marriage was an extension of that. So she too asked Remus to choose someone that he trusted for her. This time he chose Charlie Weasley (best not to tell Ron either). She, in turn, tried to find someone suitable for him, but couldn't. (When I suggested she should have chosen Bill, Remus said he was indeed asked, but Fleur refused to let him).

So Remus had assumed that I would need one as well, especially when I didn't come to him to solve the problems I was having. But when we talked about it, he didn't say if he was attracted to me or not. That made me nervous. So instead of telling him the truth, I just told him that I'd prefer to use my hands to handle things, it was much more comfortable for me.

And he had talked about liking me, not loving me, that night. So I figured the wolf was settling for something comfortable, as Hannah had. 

I should be grateful for that, shouldn't I? It's a wonderful thing to be liked. You, Harry and Ron showed me that. But Merlin, I'm so desperately in love with the bloke behind me on the bed I'll be crawling into in a few moments that it's not good enough. I want to be loved in return. Not because they have to, not because it's convenient. Because it's me, all of me. At this point, I don't think I could even tolerate the relationship he had with Nymphadora.

I should have left him to the house elves long before this, so I didn't hurt him or make him uncomfortable. But I didn't even know it was love until I started writing this letter! I know how to measure love in gum wrappers and stern talking-to's. But now I think I should also add measurements in rearranging closets and laid out clothes, because that's the only safe way to show him, without losing him. 

I don't even know what the words of love sound like anymore. I'm not sure I'd understand if I heard them. And I dare not speak them.

But they are there, between us.

And I don't know what to do, except whisper them to him in the actions I take for him.

Neville

====

As Remus read the words on the parchment, he smiled, cursed his mother's pureblood friend, called the grandchild of that friend a 'foolish foolish man' in true Severus Snape style, and wished his own step-godchild could have been just slightly more open to both him and the man in his bed.

But it seemed that Remus would have to take matters into his own hands. For it was obvious that the extremely private man he now called mate would end up hurting himself if Remus didn't do something as soon as possible.

So he grabbed the Honeyduke's chocolate bar he hid in the desk drawer and whispered, "Forgive me, Alice. Yours is the only declaration he really trusts."

With that, he ripped off the wrapper, set the bar on top of the letter, and went to shove the wrapper into Neville's open hand. As he expected, Neville woke with a start.

"What?!" he muttered, then stared at his hand. A moment later, his gaze moved to Remus' face, where tears streamed silently.

"I read your letter to Hermione. Would you understand the words better if I yelled them from the top of the Astronomy tower?" Remus whispered.

"Please don't go up there. Getting you back down would make us both rather stiff." Neville shivered and shook his head, but Remus could see the awe that his mate felt begin to show on his face. 

"Then perhaps you'd like to read a book with me. It's a gift from Harry, to both of us. I've already marked a few pages I think you'd like." Remus reached into the drawer in the nightstand and pulled out the book, setting it on the bed next to Neville. The title was 'Spells for Bedtime.' But the pictures on the front showed witches and wizards who were most definitely *not* sleeping while they were in bed together.

"Oh." Neville looked so shocked that Remus had to bend his head so his lips caressed those of his mate. Just to calm him, of course. A moment later, a spell Remus didn't cast lifted him onto the bed and arms were pulling him to that body he had dreamed about the night before, and many nights before that.

Remus wrapped his arms around his mate as he felt the sobs wrack him. "Shh, my love. I have you. I'm sorry that I couldn't figure out what you needed. But Pads and Dora spoke loudly. I'm not used to listening to whispers."

But he was listening now, and his sensitive hearing picked up the words that were barely murmured into his shoulder.

"I love you, too, Neville. So very much," he whispered back. He rubbed gently at the strong back that had held him so many times. He let his mate settle quietly, now understanding that Neville heard actions as louder than words. And misinterpreted them at every turn.

So when Neville's body started to respond to him in a way his mate could no longer hide, Remus carefully vanished their pyjamas and pulled Neville's hips closer to his. Then he paused so Neville could feel his own unmistakable response.

Remembering a sentence or two in the letter, Remus whispered, "Let's do this in a way that lets you see how you make me feel."

When Neville nodded against his shoulder, Remus guided his mate gently to straddle his hips. He wanted to replace the bad memories that Harry had accidentally given Neville. And he wanted Neville to be able to see that he was listening as carefully as he could, so he could give his mate what he desired.

When he looked up into Neville's face, his mate's lip was trembling slightly with unspoken words.

"I want to hear anything you want to say, my love." Remus encouraged him gently.

"I-I don't know the spell for--" Neville waved his hand behind himself.

"I'll teach it to you when we're both calmer. But for now, it's my pleasure to take care of you." Then Remus murmured softly as he ran his hand over his mate's backside. A moment later, Neville sighed in relief.

Then Remus met Neville's gaze with his own calm one. "Tell me what you dreamed about. I want to know what made you hide in your pillow." 

"Something like this often showed up. But I never thought you'd give control to me."

"I trust you with my chair, with my other side, and with my chocolate. Why shouldn't I trust you with this?" Remus grinned as Neville's laughter filled the room.

This was the way he should have handled the revelation of who the wolf chose for his new mate. Gentle talk and laughter. Like they had been doing for so many months outside the bedroom.

For now, however, he let his eyes show his feelings when Neville's eyes met his. Then, with the confidence that had surprised so many others, the younger man began to slowly descend upon Remus, until they were both groaning in pleasure.

Remus watched Neville's strength return as he realized he had what he had so wanted, and needed.

"You are an amazing man, my love. Strong and gentle, and the love you've given me helped me just as much as the other things you do for me." Remus let his hands trail over his mate, letting his actions show how much he loved every part of Neville.

And he watched as Neville returned the feelings, by accepting his touch, falling into it, and letting the pleasure overwhelm him.

That was all it took for Remus to join him.

Some time later, when they both calmed, Remus apologized again for not understanding Neville as he should have.

Neville just shook his head as he wrapped his arms around his lover. "I didn't mail the letter because I could feel your eyes on me the whole time I wrote it. But you didn't ask me to stop. I began to hope that was your way of whispering to me. So I left it where any Marauder would have to investigate it."

Remus chuckled softly. "And I played right into your hands. Without any regrets."

Then both of them whispered the words that would follow them into their dreams.

 

 


End file.
